Another Forest Canopy Shawl

I finished this a few days ago, but couldnt post it until the recipient received it : )

I used Yarn Yard Bonny sock yarn and 5mm needles. I did 12 pattern repeats and 12 edging rows.

PTSD and Panic Attacks

I have PTSD and last evening something happened which triggered it off. Since then I have been having panicky feelings and trembling and feeling terrified on and off. I dont know how to make this feeling go. I recognise that it is PTSD, I recognise what triggered it, I am aware that I am not going to die or have something terrible happen to my breathing, yet I am still reacting as if I am in this terrible, terrifying situation. I can sort of control my thoughts, but not my physical reaction.
Am I making sense here?
Anti-anxiety drugs make me ill and, anyway, I cant predict or prevent something which triggers my PTSD.
I just want the fear to stop. I want to either live without fear, or die to stop fearing death.
I wish I knew someone in real life who understood PTSD and abuse and being extra sensitive, someone who is not a professional, just an ordinary (?) person like me. I dont have access to psychiatric help any more and anyway, what can they say? I havent toughened up after years of therapy or anything, so more therapy isnt going to change that. Life goes on, then whallop, I am in flashback and back to square one. I'm not scared of death, I am scared of the process of dying and PTSD is like dying over and over again with the same fear,panic, terror, struggling for breath and then days of reaction to it.
Sorry to go on but I need to get this out. I feel so alone when this happens and I cant face another 30 years of fear and the fear of fear if you see what I mean. Isnt there more to life than survival????? There must be more to it than that!!
I pray and read the bible to try and find meaning, but the fear doesnt go and this sense of peace doesnt happen. Even God has no place for me, or want to help me.


I have made the decision to write this here on my blog in the hope that someone out there knows some answers or stuff that helps. I also want others to be aware of this condition and its effects because, like depression and many other illnesses/conditions, it is invisible and secret and I think there are probably many people like me and perhaps we can support one another and share information if I have the courage to come out and talk about PTSD and its effects.

An English City Garden

DH and I live in the centre of a city, but we love old English flowers and cottage gardens.This year we created an abundance of flowers in the small front garden of our terraced house. It has caused much interest among the neighbours, particularly the older ones.
Last year we had some Dahlias, and the year before we had some sweet peas, but this year we went the whole hog with Honeysuckle, Fox Gloves and Roses. There are also 4 varieties of the flower I have shown below. We were given the cuttings by a friend, but I have forgotten the name of the flowers.

These are the mystery flowers I mean. They are all the same type, but in different colours:

The smell in the front garden is lovely. I open the top front windows in the morning to let the breeze waft through the house : )

I am so blessed to be married to a man with very green fingers !!

Erratta

I have just wasted 20 mins of my life downloading and printing out 23 pages of errata for 3 of the books I have recently bought!!!!!

Just 3!!!! They are A Gathering of Lace, Victorian Lace Today and Swing,Swagger, Drape....all by the same publisher.

I just don't get it. How can there be several pages of errata for each book. The mistakes have been through several reprints as well.

Yours, fed-up of Coventry : (

The Wedding (and Tonsillitis)

I proudly present the Bride & Groom. Lovely wedding, beautiful dresses and a simple, sweet ceremony. What more could a proud mother ask? I have gained another wonderful son, that's two in 10 months!!!

Do you notice the Forest Canopy Shawl she is wearing???

I love the cake!! The Groom chose it and it just epitomises their humour : )

Proud family (I'm the one in the middle LOL). I'm not really a midget - DH is very tall!! The hotel was superb and the grounds were lovely for the photos etc. It was slightly cloudy, but warm and dry.

And last but not least, the 'other' new son and my eldest daughter. Do you remember their wedding in September? Their baby is due in 6 weeks and the Groom's mother did a fantastic job of making the bridesmaid dress with room for a growing bump : )

Phew, its been quite a year!! To top it off, DS has Tonsillitis and is off school looking pale and weak. Off to make some more tea for him....................................... and finish my second Forest Canopy shawl for the mother-to be. These shawls are addictive.

I'm Home!!!

I'm home, a bit sore and bruised, but that awful pain has gone!! 5 years and now I have no pain - so much for my doctor repeatedly telling me it was my morbidly obese body pressing on my hip........

Everything went well, so well that I dont need a second operation. I didnt kill anyone, or lash out in panic. I did have a panic attack in the anaesthetic room, but the staff were marvellous and helped me through it. I love the NHS!!!

The operation was 2 hours and the recovery room was 4 hours cos I was having trouble breathing and my blood pressure kept dropping, so they kept me in overnight. I am fine now. I feel rather odd though as though I have been in a car crash or something. I have never faced such fear before.

Many, many thanks for your kindnesses, for letting me whitter on about my fears and your patience in explaining stuff. I hope to be back at Kenilworth Knit and Knatter in 3 weeks.

Wedding in 7 days and then I shall see some of you on Sat 12th for the workshop

XXXXXXXXX

Operation was a sucess!!!

This is Claires' Son. Claire is now just recovering from her operation, and should be out by tomorrow morning. The operation was a sucess, with no complications apart from her blood pressure wavering for a bit after the operation, which she has been treated for.