Saturday, July 3, 2010

PTSD and Panic Attacks

I have PTSD and last evening something happened which triggered it off. Since then I have been having panicky feelings and trembling and feeling terrified on and off. I dont know how to make this feeling go. I recognise that it is PTSD, I recognise what triggered it, I am aware that I am not going to die or have something terrible happen to my breathing, yet I am still reacting as if I am in this terrible, terrifying situation. I can sort of control my thoughts, but not my physical reaction.
Am I making sense here?
Anti-anxiety drugs make me ill and, anyway, I cant predict or prevent something which triggers my PTSD.
I just want the fear to stop. I want to either live without fear, or die to stop fearing death.
I wish I knew someone in real life who understood PTSD and abuse and being extra sensitive, someone who is not a professional, just an ordinary (?) person like me. I dont have access to psychiatric help any more and anyway, what can they say? I havent toughened up after years of therapy or anything, so more therapy isnt going to change that. Life goes on, then whallop, I am in flashback and back to square one. I'm not scared of death, I am scared of the process of dying and PTSD is like dying over and over again with the same fear,panic, terror, struggling for breath and then days of reaction to it.
Sorry to go on but I need to get this out. I feel so alone when this happens and I cant face another 30 years of fear and the fear of fear if you see what I mean. Isnt there more to life than survival????? There must be more to it than that!!
I pray and read the bible to try and find meaning, but the fear doesnt go and this sense of peace doesnt happen. Even God has no place for me, or want to help me.


I have made the decision to write this here on my blog in the hope that someone out there knows some answers or stuff that helps. I also want others to be aware of this condition and its effects because, like depression and many other illnesses/conditions, it is invisible and secret and I think there are probably many people like me and perhaps we can support one another and share information if I have the courage to come out and talk about PTSD and its effects.

4 comments:

Laurie said...

Hi...I have PTSD, too. It's been about six months since I've had a panic attack, but I know it could happen at any time. Don't want to go into all the details, just want you to know you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

Hi Claire I get PTSD too, you aren't alone. I don't have answers if I did I would be OK. But what I do know is that I keep on living, and that in between I have a wonderful life. I try not to overanalyse it now and let myself go with it rather than fight it, it's way too energy absorbing to fight it and it happens in spite of the fighting anyway. So I let it happen, I have the fear, the terror but I know that I will get through and that I will have the lovely days again when it goes away. Sorry to be anonymous but I don't want my family to know I still have this, they think I am coping! (See I hide it well). But it's really important for me to let you know you aren't alone, you may not recognise me but we have "spoken" before in connection with Swifts and it makes me sad that you think you may be alone. Look after yourself and there are many of us here who will always listen when you need us.

mandycharlie said...

Hugs.

If you fancy a coffee and a chat I am a very good listener.

Anne said...

Claire - have you looked at the nomorepanic.co.uk site. They have a forum for many anxiety related problems.