Wednesday, October 3, 2007

A Look Can Say It All

Many of you know that my FIL is terminally ill and at the palliative stage of his illness. Recently I have found myself becoming irritated and resentful of the amount of time I seem to spend being 'Secretary'. I got annoyed at having to make phone calls, type letters and wishing he had got his affairs in order months ago while he was able to do things himself.

Today I whizzed in to the farm to 'get my orders' and, for the first time in over a week, I actually looked at him, directly - you know? My FIL has beautiful eyes which DH and son have inherited. They are deep blue, almost sapphire, big eyes, very striking. They look as if they can see into your soul. We sort of connected and just hugged and cried together and for the first time I felt like his daughter. I realised that the grief and loss is two way. He is having to let go of us, just as we have to let go of him.

I knew then that he was keeping going for MIL. He was tired of this life and longing to stop fighting, but he wanted to leave his affairs in order so that MIL will be financially taken care of for the rest of her life. We never said a word, but I knew.

No more irritation and resentment from me. It is a privilege to help this man bravely tackle temporal problems through his pain and grief at leaving us. I hope that, when my time comes, I can live up to his benchmark and show as much courage.


franney said...

Oh claire i really feel for you, sending big *HUGS* your way x

daisie said...

You've said it all, for so many of us who've lived through that situation. Thank you.

Paula said...

Lots of hugs Claire